Yo dont text me then not text me
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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