I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
