remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You are the jesus of drinking
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
