I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
