I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
It's never too late to be topless.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
