Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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