My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
