3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
