I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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