I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
