can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
