everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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