Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
