I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
