My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
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Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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