Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
