some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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