please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
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his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
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Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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