dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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