I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
