just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
