im holly from the hills drunk
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
