Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
