god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
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