you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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