My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
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I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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