Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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