can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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