I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
