i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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