i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
