I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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