Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
