i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You ruined the universe
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
