I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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