i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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