So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
