I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
