Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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