Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
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Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
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Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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