I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
