I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You are a genius and a whore.
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