Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We talked him into tasing himself.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
