I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
