They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
