There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
