I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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