I skipped work to stalk him.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
