Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
