She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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