What did we do last night that was yellow?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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