Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
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