The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Randomize
