She is in my trunk
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
