So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
