PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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