she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
