my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
